


Lost Love

by 123456ja



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 01:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14906172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/123456ja/pseuds/123456ja
Summary: Jiwon ponders on when his relationship with Hanbin all started to go wrong, thus coming up with one painful conclusion.





	Lost Love

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language. There might be some typos and grammar lapses. Please ignore it and enjoy the story.

Jiwon's POV

I gaze outside the café window and watch the little flecks of snow fall from the heavy sky of December. I am vaguely aware of the fact that my cup of coffee has long cooled down, and you still haven't arrived yet. I really don't mind. I don't care how long it takes for me to wait, because I know that even if it will take hours, I'm sure that you will come.

You have to come, or else I'll come looking for you instead.

I stare at my cup and watch the slow swirling of the black liquid inside, pondering every thing that has happened in my life. Thinking of the things that I should have done and imagining what could have happened if I took a different route. I don't know how long I am staring down at my cup until I hear a voice, which is so achingly familiar, greeting me with a soft "stupid." Only one person calls me that.

I look up to see a pair of coal eyes looking down on me. It never fails to mesmerize me, those wonderful eyes. Every time it locks on mine, every thing falls into place, always drowning me in them. And now, I'm drowning again into those deep pools; reveling every moment, for it might be the last time I'll ever look at them this close again.

"Mambin," I greet back with a slight smile. Once upon a time, it was meant as an insult. But now its purpose serve as an endearment reserved for you and no other.

I see you smile in return and sit down opposite to me. A waitress comes to our table to get your order, and I hear you ask a cup of coffee as well. After the waitress has gone, you remove your scarf, folding it neatly on the table. You then rake your hair and heaves a heavy sigh, like you have been carrying a lot in your mind, which I believe I'm quite aware of. You must have felt me watching you intently, immediately turning to look at me.

For a while we stayed like that, content on the mutual silence between us. I want things to stay that way for a while more, but I know one of us has to break the moment.

In the past, I've always been the one to start the conversation. People expect it since I am known for my loudmouth attitude. But this time, you, always the quiet one, is the one to break the silence.

"Am I (too) late?" you ask. That question gives so many meanings, which also deserves a lot of answers. But I know what you only meant to ask if I've been waiting for you for a long time, aware that you didn't come on time.

"No, it's just that I decided to come earlier since I don't have anything to do this afternoon." Which is partly true, because I don't really have anything to do in the house and I might go crazy if I stay there longer in anticipation.

"I see..." you nod, then continue, "I've met with Hyun Suk sajangnim, we talked about our new album, he wants me to make adjustments to some of the songs that I've made, to make it more public friendly just like our previous song.."

Ah, yes, the meeting with the boss and the producers excuse. It has been your favorite alibi these days, which of course I couldn't fault you with since I have been the one to urge you to pursue it anyway. I can still remember our long discussion about it, about how you'll become too busy and possibly not be able to see me as much as before. But I've told you it will be okay, as long as I know that you will be much closer to reaching for your dreams to be one of the best producer.

I have told you, "I will be happy, as long as you are happy."

I have often wondered how many times that phrase has been used. Some takes it for granted; others use it to lie to themselves.

At that time, I truly mean every word. But now that I think about it, I'm not really sure anymore.

"Jiwon?"

I look at you and see worry written on your face. You must have been waiting for me to say something back to what you said.

"It's okay, Hanbin. I understand." When in truth I don't. You've always been late in everything involving us. Our anniversary, my birthday, even your own birthday. Always late. Of course, I'm not planning on telling you that. White lies... how can you live without them?

You sigh with relief. The calm before the storm? Maybe.

"So what do you want to talk about? That you even excused yourself from an important meeting just to meet me here?", I finally say. I see you tense suddenly, and is about to reply, when the waitress comes to our table with the coffee you asked for earlier. It has lightened the atmosphere a bit, but those unspoken words are still hanging thick in the air.

After a while, the waitress left us at last. But as expected with any interrupted discussion, you didn't talk at once. I try to read your face. But as usual, I can never really read what is on your mind. You sigh again and turns to look straight in to my eyes.

"I guess it can't be helped now..." you say. "We've been together for a year now, but..."

But what, my beloved leader?

"I'm sure you've felt about this too. It feels like we've grown apart."

More than you'll ever know.

"If this continues like this, we might destroy ourselves."

You already did.

"You don't talk to me like the way you used too."

Because you don't talk to me like the way you used too, either.

"Whenever we make love, it feels like a duty you wanted to get over and done with."

I can hardly call it making love, with your mind obviously elsewhere while we're doing it.

"We're like strangers living in the same house."

Because you made yourself a stranger in our own home.

"What is happening to us?"

A rhetorical question, but you lean closer to me, intent on getting an answer.

What do you want me to say, Hanbin? You don't know how many times I've asked that question to myself. I hang on to the belief that we can fight all odds; at least I was very sure I can. You know you have had my heart from the very beginning. Yes, even at the time I have thought I am in love with Jinhwan. I really want to hang on to the very end, but you're the one who have given up on us.

You've done so when you started cheating on me with Jaewon.

I'll give you credit for hiding it from me, Hanbin. At least I know that you still respects me in a way for being discreet about it. I probably wouldn't have found out about it if I haven't thought of surprising you one day in your studio. Of course, I haven't expected to see you all comfortable, sitting on Jaewon's lap. Kissing him with all the intensity you supposedly only reserve for me.

Maybe I'm a masochist, since I've stayed the entire time until the two of you finish. Your cries of ecstasy in the arms of another still haunts me in my dreams, every single night. I still wonder how I have been able to leave the place without the two of you noticing. But I guess you're both too focused on fucking each other that you don't even care what's happening around you.

Nobody can expect me to act normal under the circumstances. I am not a saint, Hanbin. I can't even imagine how I was able to pretend not knowing anything for the past few months. But pretend I did, with the thought that my love for you will be enough.

Any sane being would have stopped the madness and left you at once. But I stayed with you, even though I know for a fact that you still go out with him while I'm slowly going crazy whenever I wait for you to come home. You don't know how many times I've come close to insanity, just thinking what the two of you might be doing behind my back.

What did I do to deserve this? Am I not good enough for you? How could you just throw away what we had just like that? How can you make me fall madly in love with you, then easily discard me like an old unwanted toy?

I always tell myself that I need to stay despite all of this, so I can still preserve what little thing that is left for us. But as days go by, I feel you slowly drifting away from me, realizing that in the end, that I have just prolonged our suffering.

I know you wanted to meet me here so that you can break up with me. I've known it from the time I caught you with him in the bedroom we share in our very own home.

"Jewon, stop...! Jiwon might come in any moment..."

"Then let him come. It's about time he finds out about us anyway."

"No... I don't want to hurt him..."

"You'll hurt him even more if we continue hiding like this."

And he is right, it's better to end it now. Like what you said earlier, if this continues, we might destroy ourselves... even though the fact is that you have already destroyed me.

But I'll move on. I know somehow, I'll find a way to forget about you.

Our kisses.

Our vows.

Our hopes.

Everything.

You sigh again. I wonder what the others will say when they see you like this. They'll probably think that they're just hallucinating because to them, Kim Hanbin is as serious as the monks.

"We can't go on like this forever. We have to—"

"Break up?" I finish for you, and your mouth hang open in surprise. I immediately take the opportunity to talk before you can think of a way to distract me from that matter. "I've been waiting for you to tell me that. I really don't know what took you this long to finally do it, Mambin..."

Taking a deep breath, I look straight back at you with unwavering determination.

"We have to face it. We don't love each other anymore." A big fat lie, because I know it in my heart that I still do... and it really hurt so much.

"Jiwon~ie..." You look distressed, and possibly on the verge of panic.

"No, Hanbin. You don't have to explain." I smile so that I can stop the tears from welling up my eyes. My heart is thudding wildly in my chest that it feels like it might burst open. You haven't said anything more and just continued looking at me, your eyes piercing through my very soul.

I can't stand this.

I don't want to break out in front of you.

And so with surprise calm, I managed to say, "Well, I think it's time for me to go..."

I see you nod slowly, your eyes still looking at me intently while both your hands clenched tightly. Even as I stand up and walk outside the place, your gaze never left me. I made a final pull of courage to wave at you before finally turning to walk away.

Strange, but the tears I've been holding back never poured out. It was really a strange feeling, because I can feel the heaviness in my heart yet I can't find a way to release them.

It would have been so much easier if I had just let the tears fall freely when I had the chance. This is the price I pay for choosing to save my pride.

-End-

 

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? Is it okay? Share your thoughts through comments below. 
> 
> Leave some kudos too, to feed my ego :))


End file.
